College Football – Top 10 Mascots for a Deathmatch by Lee Wakefield

Prior to Washington State facing off against UCLA this weekend, Cougars coach and all around legend, Mike Leach graced his press conference with a ramble about which Pac-12 mascot would prevail in some sort of combat tournament.

The mind of Mike Leach is really something to behold, isn’t? And by the way, if you haven’t seen the clip yet, please find it on Twitter, it’s *FANTASTIC* viewing.

Anway, this got me thinking, what is the best mascot in college football in terms of its fighting prowess… Here’s my top 10, in reverse order…

10. Florida Gators

The Gators come in pretty high, alligators are a pretty terrifying animal. Adept to fighting on both land and in the water, they can run up to17 km/h or swim up to a whopping 32 km/h!! Oh and then they also possess some of the most powerful jaws in the world A N D have a cool finishing move, the deathroll… like a character out of Mortal Kombat, or something.

9. North Carolina State Wolfpack

I feel like a group of Wolves could outsmart and outflank a gator or two. Wolves work as a team to attack and take down their prey and I feel like that gives them the upper hand on an animal which can essentially be immobilized if you can throw a towel over its eyes. Not that I’m suggesting that Wolves have evolved to the point they’re taking items into battle… Anway, back on track. The Wolves could work in such a way that one distracts the gator and the rest can go to work on the gator’s back… They may lose a man or two but the gator would wear down eventually.

8. Baylor Bears

Again, bears are an apex predator who are used to getting their own way. Like the alligator, bears can move when they have to, some can even hit an almost unbelievable 64 km/h! That’s a lot of weight that’s coming at those Wolves like a steam train… I don’t think the wolves would hang around too much in this one either. Sheer intimidation wins in this one.

7. [Insert College Name Here] Tigers

There are a bunch of schools which use the Tiger mascot so, in the name of fairness, you can choose for yourself, whether that be Memphis, Missouri, Auburn or LSU and yeah, I may have even missed one too.

This one between a tiger and a bear is pretty close in my opinion, I don’t know why but I will take the agility of the tiger over the brute force of a bear though… there’s no intimation factor here either, this is the battle of two animal kingdom heavy-weights.

6. Marshall Thundering Herd

WOAH, big upset here… yeah, that’s right, Marshall of Conference USA and Huntington, West Virginia. Best known for being the Alma Mata of one, Randy Gene Moss.

Marshall is known as the Thundering Herd, which I’d imagine is Wildebeest or something of that ilk and I know that this is a match up against tigers and it’s not *exactly* the same thing but, WE’VE ALL SEEN LION KING, haven’t we?

If you’ve not, what I will say is firstly, how warm is it in winter under that rock you’ve been living under for the past 25 years (seriously, you’ve had two movies now) and second, IT DOES NOT END WELL FOR THE LIONS (or in this case tigers).

Case closed.

5. UTEP Miners

The University of Texas, El Paso is another small school with a potentially mighty mascot. Now we’re getting into humanoid figures, I have to distinguish between them and decide why some of the Native American figures or the other human figures would win over the Thundering Herd and well it comes down to technology, in my mind.

Miners have a whole host of equipment with which they mine, some of that would include explosives.

Done. Deal.

4. Michigan State/San Jose State Spartans

Spartans would just have the organisational expertise to see off a group of miners. Yeah, the minors would have weapons too and as I said, some explosives… But would they know how to deploy themselves in such a way that would take full advantage of their potentially superior firepower?

Nah, organisation wins over firepower, on this occasion.

3. Navy Midshipmen

Again, we take a humanoid mascot with exceptional organisational skills and battle tactics but this time, we move into the modern era with the US Navy.

Yes, Sparta had a navy but their technology would be no match for anything that can be produced nowadays.

Spartans were the most badass group of people on the planet at one time, but that was 2,500 years ago.

2. Tulsa Hurricane 

No man, no matter the will or the technology can control the weather and the extremes it can produce.

Humans regularly flee from hurricanes and these storms wreak havoc, destroying much that lies in their path.

I can’t think of any other mascot in college football, maybe in the whole of sports that could beat a hurricane in battle… whether you can “battle” a hurricane is another story altogether, but humour me here. Hurricane wins, hands down here…

So what can beat a hurricane??


1. Miami Hurricanes

MULTIPLE HURRICANES.

Whether hurricanes could do battle with each other is again, another article entirely but the thought of several storms all fighting it out is utterly terrifying.

So there we have it, I have crowned the Miami Hurricanes, the winner of the college football mascot deathmatch.

Now back to work and stop reading this nonsense.

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